12.45 pm. Remove pasta from heat, strain carefully into sieve. Unless balanced correctly, this sieve tends to fall over, emptying all the cooked pasta into the sink. I decide to carefully spoon out the pasta, one spoon at a time, into the sieve. This process takes twenty minutes. Bang pasta into a dish and mix vigorously with a knob of butter to ensure pasta does not stick together. Pasta immediately jumps out of dish and onto kitchen counter instead.

12.50 pm: Return to cooking tomatoes on stove, which has started to break down into sauce-like consistency. At least something is going right. I stir continuously, sweating over hot stove (this is no exaggeration). At least I will be able to brag to all my friends that I have had a facial at Nabila’s when they comment on my glowing skin.

12.55 pm. Sauce is finished. I take it out and spoon into dish. Bring all dishes into dining room and put them on the tray to be eaten. Everything looks good but nobody is around to eat it. It seems that while I was cooking meal, they decided to go out for lunch.

1.0 pm. Spend one half hour cleaning kitchen.

1:30 pm. Make ORS and drink promptly to avoid dehydration.
      1:45 pm. Take How to Cook Everything and pour lighter fluid on it, then set it alight and toast marshmallows over the fire. This is the best meal I’ve EVER TASTED! <Previous